THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF CAMPUS GUYS.

The plethora of characters scattered across Kenyan campuses is a continuum to behold. Some troop from the village with sacks of produce. Others are ushered in by air conditioned luxury cars, straight from the leafy suburbs. Some tweng, others ‘shema’ without batting an eyelid. The high schools from which they spent their former lives no longer matter. They are all in campus. The regular KUCCPS guys feel academically superior to their parallel program counterparts. At least in the first year, before time morphs them into one indistinct mass of divergent grades. They seem all alike in the streets. Of course except the dude who has just discovered wearing suits. He is to be found in a three piece at noon while the sun is searing his sweaty forehead along University way. The similarities, imagined or otherwise assumed, give way to several characters. Let’s delve into these. Shall we?

1.       The spoilt brat

You guessed right. This dude was born with a silver spoon held to his mouth by manicured hands. Often, he drives to class. His family is neck deep in wealth, and he knows it. When he embarks on a soliloquy about their family holidays, you feel inept. Uncool. Unexposed.  While some of us are hustling unpaid internships at the ministry of Public works, his father is grooming him to take over at their blue chip company. He has a stock portfolio that is inching closer to the one million mark. He is 23. He attends his course because it will make him a better manager at their firm. You attend yours because there is nothing else to do. Because your father would clobber you to death if you failed to show up with a degree after a certain period.

 Every gold digger in campus pays attention. They all wink when he looks their way. To some of us, the Probox is a cherished means of transport. To him, it is a toolbox of sorts. It ferries the mammoth spare tires of their land rover when they participate in the Rhino Charge. He doesn’t remember the last time he went to Mombasa by bus. Fly 540 staff know his face. If he is your friend, you always change the topic when he forgets you hail from the other side of the tracks. When he asks, “Do you know that hotel in Zanzibar?”, it feels unfair.

Some are responsible and don’t flaunt their means. Others are yet to find their true selves amidst a fledging coke habit. These are a story for another day.

2.       The hustler

This guy knows a few spoilt brats. They make him envious, and he swears to get himself to the other side of the wealth divide. By whatever means. Sometimes the motivation is different. Like an inherent fear of future poverty. Nothing is too uncool for him to do if an extra coin will be forthcoming at the end of it. He will pop into your room with 5 boxers, 2 pairs of shoes, a fake Rolex watch, Chinese socks and an akala to boot. Did I mention that Chinese iPad he is always pestering you to buy? He is a broker.  He knows someone who knows someone with whatever you want. He cannot let you buy a Smartphone from the Safaricom shop at 16K. Not when he can hook you up with one for 10K.

He is cautious of the damsels. They are all after his hard earned peanuts. He is stingy, and they are too. The last time he got laid, the hottest bowels of the Sahara desert were being pounded with rain. He doesn’t mind anyway. He is on a mission. There is a spanking new Nissan Navara at the end of his toil as an Engineering Student.

3.       The shamba boy

He came from the village with the goodwill of the whole village behind him. With hope in his heart and sharp brain to match, the sky is the limit for him. That is, if temptations of the city and peer pressure do not peel off his caveman habits. He got to campus and experienced a culture shock of sorts. It was never cool to wear red green Kaunda suits to class, and strut around like the peacock he is. His thick kikuyu accent truly pays tribute to the late Njenga karume. Ill fitting suits handed down from the bigger brother only made him a caricature of sorts.

His ineptness in the social arena pushes him closer to his books. Education is the key to success. It’s the only key he can imagine. He attends church and CU in a group of like-minded folks. His girlfriend is his mirror image. They ‘shema’ together amidst talk of their bright future. Two kids, a big house, a car. The picture perfect family. They are both pious. When he exiles you, you need not go far. They will soon embark on prayers. If not, he will fidget with his phone all through. Conjugals are an affront they know well to avoid.  

She swears never to surrender the cookie before the wedding night.  Well, until some smooth operator comes along and yanks her out of her cocoon. He will be promptly forgotten as she samples previously unknown delights. She will get a broken heart. They meet five years later. Both are wiser. They reunite. He will have all the cookie he wants. Too little too late though.

4.       The super player/ Casanova

He will effortlessly get the most coveted girls around. You have never seen him in the company of a lady who is less than stellar in the looks department. The more he has at his beck and call, the more he attracts. He may not have the impressive pectorals and biceps of the gym rat, but he has a quality that ladies find irresistible. Sometimes you feel like taking him aside and seeking his counsel in matters seduction, but you can’t. That is exposing your inadequacy beyond acceptable levels. You may have been thinking ladies desire monogamy until you meet two in his room competing to make him stew. He oozes ‘swag’. That ethereal quality that is touted as the solution to your love problems in campus nowadays. He is always looking smart. When it comes to ladies, he knows what to say and when to say it.

If you happen to be his roommate, you are forever a refugee. The folks at Kakuma refugee camp have it better. At least they have their tents to themselves. The sexiles never cease. His testosterone levels are simply stratospheric. Exam time is the only time he gives you a break. Meanwhile, your patience is constantly tested as you wonder whether to go back home and leave him the room all to himself. If you happen to be his roommate in a semi partitioned room, it’s even worse. These rooms offer privacy. Visually. However, woe unto you if he decides to spring to action in the dead of the night while you lie across a thin partition. The moans will ensure you cannot sleep on your stomach. You will face the ceiling, and pray that God makes the two idiots conceive.

Often, this dude is a man’s man. He is popular and knows how to befriend people.  His constant sexcapades make his rating soar among both ladies and also his peers. However, his peers give him murderous looks when he ogles at their girlfriends. Lest he gets ideas. Even then, his peers like to pat him in the back. Albeit with a tinge of envy.

5.       The wannabe Casanova

After being regaled by stories featuring raunchy escapades by his friends, this guy is eager to lose his virginity. So he embarks on a mission to prove his manhood. He draws inspiration from the super player and the expedition starts. He fishes all over facebook, twitter, class, and not to forget the church. He leaves no stone unturned. He is keen to be seen with cute chicks. He introduces his new ‘catch’ with a grin that stretches from ear to ear. He exiles you with a wink.  He then embarks on a fruitless negotiation that leaves him with ‘blue balls’ an hour later. So much for his inexperience.

6.       The perpetually broke fella

This fella does not hail from a colorful background financially. However, he has had a little taste of a few of the finer things in life. His insatiable appetite will neither let him rest nor save a penny.  Until he is penniless. The moment HELB opens its coffers to the hungry spendthrifts that roam our campuses; he is the first to rush to the ATM. Only to discover that he forgot his ATM pin because the last time he had any use for it was during the last HELB installment. In between that, he has come close to having water for lunch several times. He cannot wait to withdraw over the counter the following day, and apply for a new useless ATM. I call it useless because two weeks later when the bank furnishes him with a new one, his account is so hollow, it can make an echo.

Upon landing the cash, he momentarily graduates in the booze food chain. He is no longer a Keg guy. He would not touch that stuff, not even with a mop stick. The brown bottle is his new companion. He will suddenly want to visit all the clubs he has heard of lately. When his temporary sophistication gets the better of him, he will buy Amarula. Promptly, he will invite Sheila, that damsel he had been eyeing during the pre-HELB days when he was broke and in the gutters. The tragedy is that he will ruin the whole experience by drinking the drink from a plastic party cup. The one his roommate wanted to dump after a BS.  He will sip the creamy drink while commenting how blue moon is below him. Long story short. Sheila will be far from impressed. There are no medals for guessing how far she will let him go.

When Charles Darwin mentioned natural selection and adaptation, he had him in mind. His body literally knows there are hard times ahead and it will adjust accordingly once the windfall is gone. Three weeks later, his diet is now all but Ugali sukuma. His digestive tract adapts. He can now get more protein out of sukuma than beef. Ugali provides everything else.  When he can’t cook, he visits the mess where they serve tea that is taller than me. The rest of the semester is a drab, non-eventful affair for him. His mother gets a call every weekend. She wonders why he is always going to class trips that need her input.  He looks at his worn out shoes, and wishes HELB servers would experience an error and wire something into his account. He curses every time he looks at the empty Amarula bottle while chewing Sukuma. Sheila no longer picks his calls.

7.       The addict/ pothead

This category landed here due to popular demand, and a few personal reasons. This class of guys falls into various subcategories. However, they have several things in common. This is the dude from whom suspicious whiffs will be emanating from.  You will catch a whiff of weed smoke every time you are around him, or his room. When you ask, he will shoot bloodshot eyes at you. Then tell you that weed helps him exorcise the intricacies of calculus quicker than sobriety ever will. He may open his laptop and unleash a few documentaries that elucidate on the benefits of marijuana to convince you. His room has broken matchsticks all over the floor. He knows the coolest spots. He has smoked atop all the roof tops around campus hostels. Hard liquor is his brother from another mother. They have slept on the same bosom countless times.

He has the numbers of all peddlers around campus on speed dial. If you wish to drown your sorrows via intoxication, then he is your guy. The last time he attended class, a lecturer had announced an impromptu CAT. Otherwise why would he attend? He attends only during cats and exams to pour out the ideas frothing from his intellectually supercharged brain, courtesy of THC. His transcripts have more Ds and Es than the population of an entire bacteria colony. He firmly believes that the lecturers overload students to prevent strikes, a fate he avoids at all costs.

8.       The student leader/ politician

You will spot him around campus wearing a sharp suit. You would think he is headed to a boardroom. However, this clean cut image will vanish the moment you watch him brawling while flanked by some goons. This is usually following the release of a kitty or another meant to fund student activities. It might be the upcoming fresher’s bash or the Mr. / Miss University event coming up in a few days. He wants his cut out of the princely sum released by the administration from the Students organization fund. He will knock molars out, and brandish a knife for it. It’s a man eat man society. He belongs to the side that eats, not the one that gets eaten. 

He may have come to campus without these mannerisms. However, the short time he has survived around has seen him morph into a force to reckon with. He is now a master extortionist. No tuck shop can open its doors without him being ‘consulted’. Otherwise, he will organize a few unruly students to pilfer it to the ground. He is learning what it takes to succeed in Kenyan politics. It’s a dirty game and the earlier you know this, the better.

His efforts are not in vain. He now has a good room. He can afford a PS3, a 26” flat screen, and a well pimped room.  He cherishes the PS3 the most. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he grew up riding worn out car tires. Now he can race a Bugatti on his flat screen. If he is really at the top of the food chain, he lives in an apartment. Maybe even drives, just three months after his election. Ladies vie for his attention. You may rant this or that against him. Even claim that he has stolen from a kitty that you contribute to. However, you are insignificant. Life is good, and he is too busy shuttling between meetings, playing FIFA in his room, conjugals, and managing his network. Anyway, why would he care? The elections are a full academic year away!

9.       The drunkard

This and the pothead are birds of the same feather. Only they don’t always flock together. At least not to the same places. He will never touch weed. He took it seriously when he was told all patients at Mathare have taken the stuff. He is the guy who knows where to get hard liquor for less than a dollar. His room has bottles upon bottles proudly displayed on a shelf above the curtain. There is a yellowing slowly forming in his eyes. Jaundice is coming. When you see news of Kenyans dying of illicit brew, you panic. You frantically search for him. Lest he disappears to his maker with that soft loan you just gave him.

10.    The perpetual academic

This is the guy you found in first year when he was supposed to be in third year. All the lecturers know him. They are almost sharing an age group with him. This guy is thorough. That is why he prefers to do exams on the same units at least twice. Just to be sure.  Chances are that you will leave him where you found him when you leave campus. Sometimes he is a pothead who cannot go a day without it. Other times, he is a disillusioned former student leader who dreams constantly about the chairmanship in the student organization.

11.   The chopi/ smart boy

This is the guy whose transcript you don’t want to look at. It’s not because it’s bad, but because the number of As you find there will leave you with questions only you can answer. Comparing it to yours will leave you wondering whether there is only skin and bones between your ears. It will remind you that you are one of those who came to campus, and lost the plot upon entry. To the lecturers, he is the one who asks relevant questions while the rest of the class looks on sheepishly. He doesn’t ever miss classes.  He is the poster boy of academic success.

Sometimes, I find guys who fall into more than one of these categories.  Besides, these are not entirely complete.  Everyone knows where they belong. Where do you think others belong? What about your friend? Or that roommate you once had. Or that boyfriend who ensured he ponyokad with you back when you were a naïve fresha? Or that student leader who makes you wonder why you pay the students organization fee. What about the guy right next to you right now?

With that said, you can reach me on most popular Campus Blog http://jemedarimwanawakiume.blogspot.co.ke or my email willymuchiri@gmail.com or Whatsapp number: 0724382729 share tips, gossip, experiences, photos and things you want me to write about. Or I don’t also mind your hot snap if you are a hot female fresher hihihii.....