Kenyan Campusers And The 5 Types Of Breasts

Car bonnets, Tits. Hooters. Honkers. Boobies. Funbags. Bajongas. Boobs. Whatever you call them, the consensus for campus males of Kenya is this: breasts are f3cking awesome. But just like beer, potato chips, whiskey, and all the other things in the world we love, breasts can come in many different varieties. After hours of painstaking research (believe me, it was tough), I have compiled the tits of the female Kenyan campusers into five distinct categories.

1.   Pillow Tits

 

No single man in the history of this Earth has complained about a heavenly pair of pillow Tits. Named for their incomparable softness (built for comfort, not for speed), pillow Tits are only two things: natural and large. Your ideal pair of Pillow Tits will sit proudly on the chest of a slam like sacks full of happiness and sunshine.

If pillow Tits could talk, they would exclusively scream the phrase “Please, put your D between us.” And who are we to deny such a claim? Chivalry is not dead gentlemen, and I’ll be damned if we don’t make sure every proverbial bun has a bratwurst of its very own.

For all the types of breasts, the Tit/Waist ratio is of utmost importance. This is especially so in the case of pillow Tits. In some cases, pillow Tits serve only as a distraction from a beer belly or thunder thighs, traits that any self-respecting, not blackout drunk at last call man should avoid. All I’m saying is, be careful. Nothing is worse than lifting up that shirt to find a cottage-cheese love handle extravaganza.

2.   Perky Handful

There is something to be said about a well-proportioned, perky pair of medium sized breasts. Striking the perfect balance between large cumbersome scallywags and the itty-bitty-titty-committee, these Tits, along with the girls who command them, are typically an excellent target.

One of the clear advantages of this breed of breast lies not in the tit itself, but the fine lady who grew them. While pillow tits can be owned by either a 10/10 supermodel or a hippopotamus-esque porker, The Perky Handful tends to go hand in hand with a girl in good physical condition.

Big enough to hold on to, but small enough to enjoy the more subtle nuances, Perky Handful Tits are perfect for the guy who doesn’t want to hear a girl complain about her “lower back problems,” but still wants a little mammary gland bang for his buck.

3.    Fake Tits

 

Fake Tits on campus girls have always intrigued us for one reason: we just want to know what the conversation with Daddy was like when she asked him to pay for it.

First of all, if I’m ever unlucky enough to bring a daughter into this world I pray to God this conversation never arises. Instead of “Daddy, can I get fake boobs?” she might as well just say “Daddy, can I get dogged out ruthlessly through my entire campus career?”

Regardless of these questionable parenting techniques, I sure as hell am glad to reap the benefits of these father’s misplaced trust in their girl’s sexual modesty.

The best part about Fake Tits? They are the most reliable and docile breed of blouse bunnies. No matter what rigorous physical activity or bra technology she subjects herself to, those fuck3rs are going to stay firmly planted in place like the eyes of a Tiger hunting its prey.

4.    Droopy Tits

These boobs will see you asking questions like; “hey are you Olympus?” Because they’re gonna be falling. They’re the kind of tits that will remind you of Chinua Achebe’s book; “things fall apart.” Due to the amazing advancements in modern lingerie technology, Droopy Tits are often hard to spot until the moment you’re about to hoist your face in between them. It seems girls with this ailment have been facing an 18+ year vicious battle with gravity, a war gravity is clearly winning.

I’m not saying that a pair of Droopers is a game-ending situation as far as hookups go, I just prefer a pair of breasts that don’t remind me of a sad lonely clown.

While these saggy sweater puppies can be difficult to spot in a clothed environment, it isn’t impossible. If a girl looks like she’s having trouble breathing, and her cleavage looks like something out of a burlesque wet dream, chances are she’s strangling the fuck out of those suckers to prevent the world from knowing she has grandma-saggys.

5.    Invisi-Tits

Maybe it was genes, maybe it was bad luck, maybe it’s punishment for sexual deviancy in her past life; no matter what, the least favorable knockers out there are the ones that barely exist. If that low cut shirt makes it look like she has two strategically placed ant-bites on her chest, it might be time to move on to bigger and better things (never has that phrase been more literal).

We’re not saying that these girls should be immediately disregarded, in many cases the girl in question has made a significant effort to compensate for her lack of chesticles. This could mean an exceptionally pretty face, great ass, or at the very least a morally casual attitude.

Invisi-Tits aren’t the worst quality a girl can have, but we don’t think a washboard chest will become synonymous with sexy anytime soon. Our suggestion is to move on, at least until she can wrangle up enough cash to put a little more “fun” in those funbags.

Any girl out there who thinks I haven't talk of her super-cute breast.....Whatsapp your photos to 0724382729

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